A Poppy Seed. (Deconstructing my faith)

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Don’t do it for them.
Sharing your life, your words. If they prove to not appreciate your value stop giving it to them. Find yourself without them. Find your worth your way, without their input, their likes, fake comments. Cutting eyes and sharp smiles mask their scowling judgement, riddled with their own insecurities and now on the tip of their tongue aching to break free to next nearest ear, a friend of a friend, who stayed there too, thinks the same as we did in grade school.. Can you blame them though? They know nothing else and they by no means could ever see beyond the biblical realm. So what’s the point in remaining connected? To give them a show? Someone to pass judgment on? Showing myself, allowing them to see..No more. That little dot, that southern spot, on that map, is all it will be. Now don’t get me wrong, my love is strong for few that share blood with me, but those beyond that, they’ll have no stake,no give in MY vulnerability. I’d rather be a mystery.
Religion though, I gave it a go. Given up on a God, I don’t think so??
For 30+ years I devoted my life, a fundamentalist thinking, a living of strife. But I’m now wandering yes, finding answers on my own and it didn’t take long for them to cast the first stone. It was subtle of course, a silent throw, where they’d kill me with kindness while banishing me whole. My existence means nothing and they’ve proven that and if I’m not feeding THEIR beliefs then “THEY’LL HAVE NONE OF THAT.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t be a part of your church, but I won’t teach my children that is where they’ll find worth.  Through experience I’ll thrive and I’LL start living MY life. My feet firm where I stand. Refuse to be trapped, say it again. “Wait? They want my mind??Don’t expand?”
No. I’ll think for myself and I’ll do what I want, why should it bother you when I am hurting no one. No. Me and this God whatever that is, we’re far beyond that, that understanding that is. My faith put in you, but put in me more. I’m the power I need. Surrender to no one. My love needs no glory, it’s worth more without it. This life is my glory, my beauty, don’t doubt it. This experience by law, a learning mold. Without the journey there is no content, no hold.
 So this energy will be channeled into something clean, something good. No need for likes or follows for that to be understood. Like a little Poppy seed we are beautiful to the core, that little Poppy seed that blooms beyond its worn dirt floor. Nurtured there, with its self care, alone, blooms diligently. A sudden bright wild flower glows that everyone will see.
And isn’t it magnificent what we can learn and how our minds can flow when we accept that in the end,we truly don’t know.
So don’t do it for them, but dig deep from within. Your worth is your love. You’re a giving gift.
You are enough.
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My daughter and I enjoying the California Poppies!
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So beautiful and this was taken on my phone.

Desire.

The term “Twin Flames”…..I came across it while studying and found it interesting. A Twin Flame is a person that directly reflects your idea of life’s Divine Wholeness. It’s beautiful being whole as one and even more so when you extend your passion to show someone your hidden vulnerability. And one should feel grateful when that connection finds them. This flame is genuine and not to be taken for granted because keep in mind, that which disguises itself as love can play trickery and be so deceiving to our eager minds. Money, jealousy, complacence, physical attraction.. none of these are a core basis for a Twin Flame. A Twin Flame has the same burning desire for you as you for them. A Twin Flame wants to grow, build, and EXPERIENCE life together, not just go through the motions. A Twin Flame doesn’t simmer your flame they ignite your fire and then watch it grow and they’re proud to be a part of that wild fire that is you. Twin Flames open doors to tremendous emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth. Your strengths and weaknesses perfectly balance each other. You share the same values, desires, and dreams. You learn the values of empathy, compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love for that person. And all of this FOR ONE ANOTHER. Although you are already whole as yourself, your Twin Flame takes your whole and ADDS a new portion that makes YOU not a better version, but a happier version of yourself. Seek love passionately. Never settle for anything less than that one person that looks at you and sets your soul on fire.

photos from Google.

I love this man with a burning desire.💓

To know a 100 year old.

A Small Tribute to Grandma Toni
Have you ever known anyone that lived to be 100 years old? I have. And I can say she had more pep to her step than I do at 32! Her name, Antoinette W. Yager aka “Toni”.
Although I can’t claim Grandma Toni as my own, if you could’ve met her, you’d know it was hard to not feel like family around her. I’ve known grandma Toni for about 10 years. I truly don’t have a single memory where she isn’t smiling. I learned so much about Grandma Toni that really made me admire the woman she was. As I sat at her funeral and listened to everyone talk so beautifully about her and her life it was hard not to be moved. She made such an impact on those around her. Her grandchildren shared such fond memories of her. Her children mourned for their own loss. They lost their mother but they know she is at peace after a happy 100 years on earth so we cannot mourn her life. That is the last thing she’d ever want. Her pastors, past and present, spoke of her spunky charismatic presence at church. They all praised her character in such a variety of ways. From the way she was so disciplined to her baking recipes, to her dancing around banging spoons to a beat, everyone had a pleasantly different memory of her. And I don’t doubt that they all loved her equally because she was REAL. I’m so thankful to have known her. Grandma Toni and I had a connection. (I’m sure many say that about her) But we did. We are kindred spirits. She was a Midwestern girl, Oklahoma. She grew up on a farm with her family. As an early adult she followed her brothers to Toledo, Ohio and lived for awhile and then from there she moved out West to California. I don’t know much about Grandma Toni’s husband but i’m so curious about their life together. She was such a lovely person, I can’t imagine her partner in life being anything less than wonderful. I want to end with a quick story told at her funeral by her pastor. This really sums up Grandma Toni! 😊He said,
“I heard that Grandma Toni had won 7 out of 10 awards at the Del Mar Fair. Which is INSANE seeing that it is the biggest fair in Southern California. So Sunday, I walked up to her and said, “Grandma Toni I can’t believe you won 7 out of 10 awards at the fair. That is amazing! I bet you are so excited!” She responded, “I am but..come here…close..”
*He leans in.

She whispers, “I should’ve won the other three too! I got cheated!” Then she

giggles.

Grandma Toni lived a beautiful life with the embrace of a family who loved her so dearly. Her life will be remembered and honored for many many many years to come.
A few cool facts about Grandma Toni.
  • She was born when Woodrow Wilson was President.
  • She saw 18 different Presidents sworn in.
  • She was 51 years old when we landed on the moon.
  • She watched the entire Elvis Presley & Marilyn Monroe stories unfold and end.
  • She saw the birth of the Television.
  • She was a teen during The Great Depression. Let that sink in. Imagine what she saw and it didn’t break her free spirit and it didn’t hinder her personal growth. What a beautiful mind.

 


Rezy has been having a difficult time understanding death and the idea that Toni is no longer with us.. She did not like the idea of not seeing someone again and since the funeral she has asked to see Toni almost everyday. “Why” is the neverending question right now when it comes to anything about death. Ya know, I think it’s ok to not have every answer for them because there are certain “life subjects” where we actually know just as much as they do which is…notta clue! Question by question we all just do our best!

 

 

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Getting Inspired.

At the beginning of this year…(so yesterday) 😬 I told myself I was going to find MY joy within MY own space. In other words, I’m creating a space within my home that will fulfill my personal time and rejuvenate my mental state. On a serious budget and with a little elbow grease it’s time to utilize the area in my home to reflect a more organized, calm way of living. By doing this to my home, I’m hoping to “de-clutter” my mind as well. With that being said, running a house with a three year old and a ten month old is a challenge in itself so staying organized…well that’s just a funny joke. I have found that my goals are being pushed to the back burner and that is hindering my motivation for other projects as well. Procrastination is my biggest enemy.🤬😵🤬 So this weekend I forced myself to set aside a little bit of time to accomplish something on my checklist AND I DID IT! (Scroll down to see)

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I know it’s small, like a super small change to what actually affects my daily life but this year I’m living by the idea that SMALL IS KEY! In order for me to truly take back my space in my home and my mind, I have to start small. Compartmentalizing my thoughts and organizing my home. So little by little I’m going to create the living space that I want. How do you guys keep organized while maintaining your self-care WHILE keeping those littles in check? Asking for a friend…🙃 Anyhow, I’m excited to see where this positive, productive mindset takes me!

My little Rezy painting away.

So about this small project:

My husband and I have had this piece for years and years..I’ve never like it..I guess because I overlooked its potential.😞 But after deciding on a color, we took a few hours to sand it down and gave her a new coat and I’ll be damned if she hasn’t put a smile on my face every time I see her! Bought a few woven baskets

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$15 each TJ MAXX

to store blankets and toys and I’m telling you guys! It was worth it! These small changes I could’ve done 5 years ago have truly become the highlight of my living room and adds just a little bit more life. So there’s my first small step. Done in one day.

Oh and I’m watching “Sharp Objects”… LOVE Amy Adams and the book was eeeeerie.

Next I’ll be restoring a gift from my grandmother. Her mirror! I’m so excited to see the detail of this mirror and the facelift it gives to my living area! Stay tuned and thank you for supporting me while I assemble the essentials to live in bliss!

 

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Frequencies

Frequencies:
It’s my entire life in the scope of a foggy meadow and in the most random moments the sun shoots out of the clouds creating a waterfall of overwhelming warmth, a clarity. And over my body it pours and it pulsates throughout my veins. That warmth in these moments, it’s pure happiness. So sporadic that spark and so quickly it dissipates. It’s an instant of knowing that i’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. Likely coincidental, but something connects.
Deeeep within my mind there’s a place where my presence lingers, where the true love I hold for MYSELF is locked away to avoid vulnerability. In these moments, I tap into that place. It’s so comforting in that moment and it’s so familiar in that place but it’s not Deja-Vu. It’s different.
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I’m connecting with myself in these moments. It’s an early epiphany taken life. A connection to my past or future self, or both. On some invisible balance between time and space there’s a frequency.A frequency..it’s ecstasy in the form of well being. Only sometimes I can pinpoint the trigger…a scent, a song, a place I’m experiencing for the first time.. Something as small as 3 strokes of a piano could trigger that moment of clarity. That showering of sheer circumstance that led me to this.exact.moment.  It’s Me, alive. In all aspects on every level. Moments of Clarity that flood my mind like a West Coast Wave.131
It tells me I’m allowed to feel it so I’m silent and I’m still and I feel it…embrace the comfort of its presence because its timing is fortuitous.
Past, Present and future.
 An interlocking of internal gratitude to my younger self for following my heart’s lead, and to my future self for conquering the fear and welcoming the unknown. I connect to myself in the different phases of my life and I still am.That’s the feeling. That’s the frequency.134
 

 

It’s within me.
 
 
 
 
 
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