I’m experiencing writers block and it’s maddening. It’s a first for me and it’s not just affecting my writing it’s my creativity altogether. For myself, expressing my thoughts through art is honestly the most productive and meaningful method of stress relief and self-expression. I hone in on creative-writing because it allows me to voice my opinions in a healthy and unique way. Let me rephrase, writing allows me to SCREEEEEAM and creative writing allows me to say “Fuck.Off.” in such a benevolent manner. It keeps me sane. These outlets are crucial because they contribute to my mental health. This surprise rendezvous I’m having with writer’s block is quite stunting and I’m not going to welcome it without a fight so, I felt the best way to defeat it is to write about it!!! So here I am with my pitchfork phalanges and torch burning words ready to charge this thing like an enemy on the front lines! I’ll get back to you on my progress.😜
For tonight I think I’ll channel my energy into some unfinished illustrations I have been working on. I find these simple projects have been giving me light and relieving some built up tension. To everyone else however, Happy writing and wish me luck! Hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow but who knows! I am after all, the irresponsible blogger.
Bath time is lurking around the corner. Im bent over the tub testing the water temperature.
… “AND SHE STARTS THE CLIMB!” I turn with a jerk!! “What the fu.. my thoughts abruptly interrupted. …-“SHE’S GOT NO FEAR, ALMOST THREE SHELVES UP NOW.”- A voice. Loud. Blasts through my mind, almost sarcasticly like a commentator at a Red bull diving event. But why?.. sharply interrupted again -“SHE HAS PROVEN HER DILIGENCE WITH THIS CLIMB!” “Wait!”I think to myself. “This is my damn mothers intuition talking, where is…” -“THIS WILL BE A DIFFICULT LANDING.” -“AND SHE’S STILL CLIMBING.” . Now rushing, I look. My 9 month old son waits patiently for his bath but my daughter, a full blown toddler, out of sight. -“I’LL BE SURPRISED IF SHE DOESN’T BREAK A BONE AT THIS HEIGHT.”….
*I grab him and run out of the bathroom.
“Rezlyn!!!!!”- I yell for my daughter while running to her room.
-“OH WOW, SHE’S REALLY PICKED UP THE PACE. SHE IS DETERMINED TO MAKE THIS JUMP.”
“Rezy, do.not.move!” I yell rounding the cor…
-“HER FORM IS PICTURESQUE.”
“YOU CAN TELL SHE HAS DEFINITELY BEEN PRACTICING FOR THIS ONE.” …” HER FEET ARE PLANTED, AND SHE’S SQUARING UP!!! -“WILL SHE LAND THIS JUMP?!?!”
I enter the room screaming “DO.NOT.MOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!!!!!”
*She freezes in her tracks.
I grab her and we continue to bathtime with no broken bones.
Another day. Another skipped heartbeat. Another time a mother’s intuition is right.
(And of course I’m going to take a quick snapshot. And of course her bedroom is a crazy mess!)
Today has been a groggy one for me. Not to ruin anyone’s positive outlook! Maybe because I woke up with a horrible headache and my son, who is 9 months old is sick. I’ve been going on very little sleep, as are my grumpy children, which has left me with very little gas in my tank.. The little engine that could just couldn’t today. So it’s been hard to get out from under that “cloud”. I needed to step outside my thoughts. To my convenience, this afternoon happened to be FREE so with no plans, no expectations and nowhere to go, I fully embraced this literally and metaphorically rainy day. Today I just let myself simply be. Did whatever. Wrote, doodled, played with the kiddos, did a little soul searching…and after all that, GUESS where I found myself!?! In the kitchen! Yep my day of “self care” has been spent in front of the oven just baking away BECAAAAUUSE I wanted some damn cookies!! So I put on my baking apron (yeah, it got serious) and dove in. I use the same dough recipe every.single.time I make any type of cookie. THIS IS NOT MY RECIPE! It belongs to Sally’s Baking Addiction. https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/butter-pecan-cookies/ I found it a few months ago and it never disappoints!! The provided link is for the original recipe- Brown Sugar Butter Pecan and they’re AMAZING!! However, I use this same dough recipe for cookies of all sorts! Besides their original Butter Pecan(phenomenal!!) My favorite addition to the dough (which I made today and just my preference not meant to be a recipe blog!) is: 1 cup of pecans, 1 1/2cup chocolate chip, and 3 cups of M&M’s. Yaaaasssssssss. Is my sweet tooth obvious? Try it when you’re splurging guys!
My second favorite addition and also made today (again just personal preference) is Ghirardelli chocolate chip and walnuts. Soooooo goooood!
Also, I didn’t cheat myself, I went full blown milk chocolate. I have to agree with Michael Scott, “Semi-sweet?? Who are ya helpin’? 😂
The secret is the chilled dough and brown sugar. Needless to say, I prepped, my daughter helped, and once the dough was cold we began to shape and bake. Guys, they all turned out sooooo good!! And I’ll even admit, I’m not the best in the kitchen! You’d never know though. These cookies were exactly what I needed for a picker upper. Filled my tank up full!
The perfect comfort “snack” with a good movie, and a few coloring books, and we had ourselves a stress-free afternoon/evening (aside from nose sniffles and coughs). Honestly, I just needed to get this feeling of complacency and helplessness off my shoulders and maybe that will help me produce a more productive day tomorrow. I guess I just need to remind myself that we all have those days. I didn’t feel like small talk today so I stayed in. And in reality, today ended up being pretty good day because, cookies.
Every compliment he muttered, he’d cut a deeper wound to bleed.
Never did her role as wife give reason for this toxic vice.
Belittled a dreamers unwavering hope
a ring on her finger was his prison to hold.
Living up to his expectations, her chances slim to none.
Her heart was full, almost a whimsical one.
but he tore her down, and with never a doubt.
He avoided her bones, but with force broke her soul.
and all the while she was whispering, “Wait, was this his goal?”
But still one more chance, she’d allow, she’d bestow,
in hopes this time he’ll show her love he withholds.
But this chance is his last, and to escape his tethered grasp,
she’ll move like silence in the night,
quiet, swiftly, she’ll prepare for flight.
“Socks, toothbrush, bra. Move quickly.”
Kisses on foreheads, ever so gently.
She’ll pack her bags before he’s awoken.
She didn’t want this, it wasn’t chosen.
But you listen here before you smear her name around that town.
Her last resort was to leave that boy, that’s no flame for you to fan.
For her to stay, she’d die his slave. Her life deserved to be lived.
She ran because she was losing herself there, she was withering away…..
Same ole’ morning but NOT the same.
She’s awakened, her mind spinning in vain.
Up and adam, prep his outfit, cook breakfast, then help get dressed.
Behind the scenes she brushes her hair, he can’t see it a mess.
That’s one thing she can control, and she prides herself at best.
She keeps it styled, nice and tight, not a day, has she ever missed.
Now back to work, loop his belt through his jeans, socks in his shoes tucked tight
and despite the other 50 things for her to do, she better cook his eggs just right.
Now his time has come.
Now here is his chance.
“Please just one compliment.”
In her mind she pleads, “Do this for me, please just notice.”
And here it is, the Eleventh hour.
Sink or swim, will he ever.
And then he turns to her by surprise,
a glimmer of hope would fill her eyes,
and then firmly a grimace broke,
“Fix your hair. You look like a joke.”
…………….. the door closes behind him.
And right there where she stood she died.
The deepest cut and he didn’t even try.
See she was just a girl when she first let him in, to be honest, her life, it had barely began.
He saw what he liked, he claimed it as his, but that can’t be the case, it was only HERS to give.
It’s been 23 minutes since he walked out the door. Like a bomb ringing, she comes to on the floor.
Like a blow to the body without a touch. It hurt that bad because he meant that much.
She hasn’t moved an inch…
but the choice is up to her…
Gathering herself, the time has finally come.
One step…and she picks herself up.
Another and she can taste the freedom.
Now she’s running, reaching under the bed, she grabs her bags and lifts her head.
His voice now a million miles behind her, she hit the ground running, her feet stronger than thunder.
She’s running to a life, to a life she’ll build without him. Her sons will be present with forgiveness on behalf of it. She’s driving fast, running hard, there’s something to say for the woman she’s becoming. Depending on his praise, she won’t do it anymore. Windows down, pedal heavy to the floor.
This open highway paves her strength, that chapter is finally closed.
This woman driving into the sun, not worried for when he gets home.
She left a note for her teenage sons, one they’ll keep until she returns.
She pleads with them to keep her love in their hearts and in that home.
Her boys are safe with a dad they love, but who returns no love for her. She cannot give them the life they need,
so they’ll stay so she can go.
40 years has past since she’s seen him last. Her name sings a new song. This life she chose, she made her own, through her foes she was built up strong.
And now ya see, his scrutiny, she survived only maybe half whole.
But the chains he bound, the ones SHE cut down, gave wind to her sail and set ago.
And the promise she made to herself in defeat, still holds, wherever she flees. She’ll never fix her hair again. It will forever, from him fly free.
Sharing your life, your words. If they prove to not appreciate your value stop giving it to them. Find yourself without them. Find your worth your way, without their input, their likes, fake comments. Cutting eyes and sharp smiles mask their scowling judgement, riddled with their own insecurities and now on the tip of their tongue aching to break free to next nearest ear, a friend of a friend, who stayed there too, thinks the same as we did in grade school.. Can you blame them though? They know nothing else and they by no means could ever see beyond the biblical realm. So what’s the point in remaining connected? To give them a show? Someone to pass judgment on? Showing myself, allowing them to see..No more. That little dot, that southern spot, on that map, is all it will be. Now don’t get me wrong, my love is strong for few that share blood with me, but those beyond that, they’ll have no stake,no give in MY vulnerability. I’d rather be a mystery.
Religion though, I gave it a go. Given up on a God, I don’t think so??
For 30+ years I devoted my life, a fundamentalist thinking, a living of strife. But I’m now wandering yes, finding answers on my own and it didn’t take long for them to cast the first stone. It was subtle of course, a silent throw, where they’d kill me with kindness while banishing me whole. My existence means nothing and they’ve proven that and if I’m not feeding THEIR beliefs then “THEY’LL HAVE NONE OF THAT.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t be a part of your church, but I won’t teach my children that is where they’ll find worth. Through experience I’ll thrive and I’LL start living MY life. My feet firm where I stand. Refuse to be trapped, say it again. “Wait? They want my mind??Don’t expand?”
No. I’ll think for myself and I’ll do what I want, why should it bother you when I am hurting no one. No. Me and this God whatever that is, we’re far beyond that, that understanding that is. My faith put in you, but put in me more. I’m the power I need. Surrender to no one. My love needs no glory, it’s worth more without it. This life is my glory, my beauty, don’t doubt it. This experience by law, a learning mold. Without the journey there is no content, no hold.
So this energy will be channeled into something clean, something good. No need for likes or follows for that to be understood. Like a little Poppy seed we are beautiful to the core, that little Poppy seed that blooms beyond its worn dirt floor. Nurtured there, with its self care, alone, blooms diligently. A sudden bright wild flower glows that everyone will see.
And isn’t it magnificent what we can learn and how our minds can flow when we accept that in the end,we truly don’t know.
So don’t do it for them, but dig deep from within. Your worth is your love. You’re a giving gift.
The term “Twin Flames”…..I came across it while studying and found it interesting. A Twin Flame is a person that directly reflects your idea of life’s Divine Wholeness. It’s beautiful being whole as one and even more so when you extend your passion to show someone your hidden vulnerability. And one should feel grateful when that connection finds them. This flame is genuine and not to be taken for granted because keep in mind, that which disguises itself as love can play trickery and be so deceiving to our eager minds. Money, jealousy, complacence, physical attraction.. none of these are a core basis for a Twin Flame. A Twin Flame has the same burning desire for you as you for them. A Twin Flame wants to grow, build, and EXPERIENCE life together, not just go through the motions. A Twin Flame doesn’t simmer your flame they ignite your fire and then watch it grow and they’re proud to be a part of that wild fire that is you. Twin Flames open doors to tremendous emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth. Your strengths and weaknesses perfectly balance each other. You share the same values, desires, and dreams. You learn the values of empathy, compassion, forgiveness, and unconditional love for that person. And all of this FOR ONE ANOTHER. Although you are already whole as yourself, your Twin Flame takes your whole and ADDS a new portion that makes YOU not a better version, but a happier version of yourself. Seek love passionately. Never settle for anything less than that one person that looks at you and sets your soul on fire.
Have you ever known anyone that lived to be 100 years old? I have. And I can say she had more pep to her step than I do at 32! Her name, Antoinette W. Yager aka “Toni”.
Although I can’t claim Grandma Toni as my own, if you could’ve met her, you’d know it was hard to not feel like family around her. I’ve known grandma Toni for about 10 years. I truly don’t have a single memory where she isn’t smiling. I learned so much about Grandma Toni that really made me admire the woman she was. As I sat at her funeral and listened to everyone talk so beautifully about her and her life it was hard not to be moved. She made such an impact on those around her. Her grandchildren shared such fond memories of her. Her children mourned for their own loss. They lost their mother but they know she is at peace after a happy 100 years on earth so we cannot mourn her life. That is the last thing she’d ever want. Her pastors, past and present, spoke of her spunky charismatic presence at church. They all praised her character in such a variety of ways. From the way she was so disciplined to her baking recipes, to her dancing around banging spoons to a beat, everyone had a pleasantly different memory of her. And I don’t doubt that they all loved her equally because she was REAL. I’m so thankful to have known her. Grandma Toni and I had a connection. (I’m sure many say that about her) But we did. We are kindred spirits. She was a Midwestern girl, Oklahoma. She grew up on a farm with her family. As an early adult she followed her brothers to Toledo, Ohio and lived for awhile and then from there she moved out West to California. I don’t know much about Grandma Toni’s husband but i’m so curious about their life together. She was such a lovely person, I can’t imagine her partner in life being anything less than wonderful. I want to end with a quick story told at her funeral by her pastor. This really sums up Grandma Toni! 😊He said,
“I heard that Grandma Toni had won 7 out of 10 awards at the Del Mar Fair. Which is INSANE seeing that it is the biggest fair in Southern California. So Sunday, I walked up to her and said, “Grandma Toni I can’t believe you won 7 out of 10 awards at the fair. That is amazing! I bet you are so excited!” She responded, “I am but..come here…close..”
*He leans in.
She whispers, “I should’ve won the other three too! I got cheated!” Then she
Grandma Toni lived a beautiful life with the embrace of a family who loved her so dearly. Her life will be remembered and honored for many many many years to come.
A few cool facts about Grandma Toni.
She was born when Woodrow Wilson was President.
She saw 18 different Presidents sworn in.
She was 51 years old when we landed on the moon.
She watched the entire Elvis Presley & Marilyn Monroe stories unfold and end.
She saw the birth of the Television.
She was a teen during The Great Depression. Let that sink in. Imagine what she saw and it didn’t break her free spirit and it didn’t hinder her personal growth. What a beautiful mind.
Rezy has been having a difficult time understanding death and the idea that Toni is no longer with us.. She did not like the idea of not seeing someone again and since the funeral she has asked to see Toni almost everyday. “Why” is the neverending question right now when it comes to anything about death. Ya know, I think it’s ok to not have every answer for them because there are certain “life subjects” where we actually know just as much as they do which is…notta clue! Question by question we all just do our best!
At the beginning of this year…(so yesterday) 😬 I told myself I was going to find MY joy within MY own space. In other words, I’m creating a space within my home that will fulfill my personal time and rejuvenate my mental state. On a serious budget and with a little elbow grease it’s time to utilize the area in my home to reflect a more organized, calm way of living. By doing this to my home, I’m hoping to “de-clutter” my mind as well. With that being said, running a house with a three year old and a ten month old is a challenge in itself so staying organized…well that’s just a funny joke. I have found that my goals are being pushed to the back burner and that is hindering my motivation for other projects as well. Procrastination is my biggest enemy.🤬😵🤬 So this weekend I forced myself to set aside a little bit of time to accomplish something on my checklist AND I DID IT! (Scroll down to see)
I know it’s small, like a super small change to what actually affects my daily life but this year I’m living by the idea that SMALL IS KEY! In order for me to truly take back my space in my home and my mind, I have to start small. Compartmentalizing my thoughts and organizing my home. So little by little I’m going to create the living space that I want. How do you guys keep organized while maintaining your self-care WHILE keeping those littles in check? Asking for a friend…🙃 Anyhow, I’m excited to see where this positive, productive mindset takes me!
So about this small project:
My husband and I have had this piece for years and years..I’ve never like it..I guess because I overlooked its potential.😞 But after deciding on a color, we took a few hours to sand it down and gave her a new coat and I’ll be damned if she hasn’t put a smile on my face every time I see her! Bought a few woven baskets
to store blankets and toys and I’m telling you guys! It was worth it! These small changes I could’ve done 5 years ago have truly become the highlight of my living room and adds just a little bit more life. So there’s my first small step. Done in one day.
Next I’ll be restoring a gift from my grandmother. Her mirror! I’m so excited to see the detail of this mirror and the facelift it gives to my living area! Stay tuned and thank you for supporting me while I assemble the essentials to live in bliss!
It’s my entire life in the scope of a foggy meadow and in the most random moments the sun shoots out of the clouds creating a waterfall of overwhelming warmth, a clarity. And over my body it pours and it pulsates throughout my veins. That warmth in these moments, it’s pure happiness. So sporadic that spark and so quickly it dissipates. It’s an instant of knowing that i’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. Likely coincidental, but something connects.
Deeeep within my mind there’s a place where my presence lingers, where the true love I hold for MYSELF is locked away to avoid vulnerability. In these moments, I tap into that place. It’s so comforting in that moment and it’s so familiar in that place but it’s not Deja-Vu. It’s different.I’m connecting with myself in these moments. It’s an early epiphany taken life. A connection to my past or future self, or both. On some invisible balance between time and space there’s a frequency.A frequency..it’s ecstasy in the form of well being. Only sometimes I can pinpoint the trigger…a scent, a song, a place I’m experiencing for the first time.. Something as small as 3 strokes of a piano could trigger that moment of clarity. That showering of sheer circumstance that led me to this.exact.moment. It’s Me, alive. In all aspects on every level. Moments of Clarity that flood my mind like a West Coast Wave.
It tells me I’m allowed to feel it so I’m silent and I’m still and I feel it…embrace the comfort of its presence because its timing is fortuitous.
Past, Present and future.
An interlocking of internal gratitude to my younger self for following my heart’s lead, and to my future self for conquering the fear and welcoming the unknown. I connect to myself in the different phases of my life and I still am.That’s the feeling. That’s the frequency.