Shades

Collab with crazy boy, Bharath’s banter. 😃…just a couple of lost and wandering souls…if people had souls..

It’s never about where you sit,
But where you stand.
It’s not always what you hold,
but what slips from your hand.
It’s not about the walk,
but more about the footsteps.
It’s impossible to swim if you’re scared to get wet.

I go up to the mountain,
to bathe in the light,
I dive into the valley,
Disappear in the night.
We soak ourselves in water.
We dance through the day.
Everything is ours,
when we live outside the shade.

Us All Along.

 

I opened the double doors to the outside..

The sun is bright

First time I saw myself in that kind of light…

Backs away further

Can’t bear the weight of that steeple.. 

Fooled the whole time

Thinking I was draped in white

Footsteps backwards away from the people…

No. She’s dark inside..and built by their lies.

No. She’s dark inside…and built out of spite.

I’ll walk away bravely, away from heavy doors.

But my sister is still in there pacing the floors..

I can’t leave her..in there… her beautiful mind…standing in between pews..taking in lies….

She told me, “Stephy just pray…don’t give up yet..Please…..Don’t leave me here.”

I told her,

 “Sister….

………….I’ll be right there..but you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air.”

“and…………… If you need anyone..

I’ll stop my plans…… but you’ll have to tie me down and then break both my hands.” 

She said, “If you need anyone.” 

I said, “I’m here. I’m forever.”

She stood in the doors, I stood out of them…But we never took our eyes off each other. Because we love each other and that’s bigger than religion.

But…

The void became too dark

The bed became too large

The shoes became too big

Walking towards the light, 

was shrouded in the dig.

It was a slow burn that lit a fire

A need to understand

A need for desire..

Hours, days, years, decades, bowing on to her knees, praying to that Almighty Power,  “Talk to me please..”

A lifetime of begging for anything to show..to show..her..you..were..there….pleading, ” God, Help me grow.”

Nothing……silence….

I have to acknowledge that I picked myself up off the ground. Every single time.

I did that…

No one else.

I found the answers. I found the water.

With only myself..

You did the same thing..Stacy.

Alone. And on our own…

 

I remember when she called me..

when you called me..sister. 

The staunchest believer. 

With an unwavering faith.

She called me.. I answered.. 

I heard it in her voice within seconds, the pain.

Tears..Sobbing. Resentment. Anger. Disappointment…Reality…. The loss of…..a god.

The loss of a faith…. A familiar sound..

She screamed, “SISTER!!! NO!! HOW CAN THIS BE?? HE ISN’T REAL!

…………….HE…….DOESN’T EXIST..STEPH.”  

All I could say is “It was you, it was us.”

“It has been us all along…

All along.”

 “Now go walk into the sun and see yourself..”

“ And If you need anyone..”

I cried with her then, the same tears I cried for myself years before…

On opposite sides of the country we ventured into the Same. Black. void.

 

That, I refer to as, destruction for two sisters.

But deconstructing..well that’s enlightenment. and we did that together too.

 

The church still reaches out to her..Me not so much.

 They know the middle daughter is nothing to mess around with…

 But my big sister has a gentle heart. 

They reach out to her, they ask her where she is…They ask her to come back and conform to be re-accepted…She tells them, 

“Friends….Church…. Listen…..I’ll be right there..but you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air.”

“And, If you need anyone..I’ll stop my plans but you’ll have to tie me down and then break both my hands.” 

“But if you need anyone.”

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I love you big sister. and Thanks Tyler Joseph for creating the song “Jumpsuit “…my inspiration.✨ Here’s to us. Cheers to us. Us all along

 

 

Grow on Me- Reblog

My big sister at https://singingovermybones.com/   wrote this…I feel it deeply.

After deconstructing, I can still agree with the “good book” on one thing-

“Return to the ground because out of it you were taken; you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

https://singingovermybones.com/2019/06/24/grow-from-me/ 

Grow on Me

What will I become?
Buried under earth, dirt
Consciousness gone, but perhaps a rebirth

I do not know-I cannot say
Don’t ever tell me to believe your way

Our ancestors buried their dead
Curled up-fetal, knees to chest

Hoping like seeds give way to flowers
For a regeneration from the Earth’s womb powers

For us to return in some beautiful state
Where our life is built on the lessons we take

Like those before, let vultures chew to my bones
Strip me right down to my internal stones

Paint me red, like blood from the womb
Grant me the solace of a cosmological tomb

Resting in the form of the way I became
Atoms, molecules, cells, a Name

Earth Water Fire Wind—-stones hold their magic, cover me with them

Maybe earth’s pulse will warm the marrow inside
And evolve me slowly from matter to mind

What will I become?
Buried under earth, dirt
Consciousness gone, but perhaps a rebirth

I wanna go.

I wanna go somewhere
to a place I’ve never been.
I wanna stand on my own
to breathe the native wind.
I wanna break away from everything I have ever known…..
I wanna feel the breeze out there
to welcome me back home.
I wanna hear their sacred hymns
dance throughout the leaves.
I wanna find myself somewhere,
I wanna live in peace.
I wanna spend the rest of my days,
in the meadows roaming around.
My body is aching I’m tired and frankly
I’m lost and don’t wanna be found.

I watch myself as I try to blend in,
live up to these stagnant roles.

Within the inside
Begging to the outside,
I don’t want to get stuck in this mold.
But here I am, in the midst of it all
While my mind, it’s gone every second.
All the while,
I try to keep up,
In the end, I know I’ll regret it..
As much as I want it,
It seems I’m unwilling,
to surrender to the Almighty Else.
Now I’m going to rely and depend on somebody.. and somebody is my own goddamn self.

I’ll take the first leap
I’ll swim beyond deep
From the sea of society.
Find me in the wild-wood,
It flows deep in my blood.
And inside there I’ll die living free..

-🖤Steph 🖤

The Woman and Her Wolf.

Disclaimer: Male Blogger friends I love and respect you all. When referring to “Man” I simply mean the evolutionary growth as a people whole. Not literally men. 👫 This is my wolf calling.

The Woman and Her Wolf

Our eyes are locked,
Bodies poised, standing in admiration of the other.

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Neither of us kneel for anyone,
And she doesn’t back down. Ever.
We are strongest of our kind, her and I.

A woman and a wolf…

Somewhere along the path we lost focus and began to wander from one another.
We surrendered as leaders of our pack.
We followed a new societal rule.
We walked with our wisdom suppressed and our fangs hidden in the darkness of our closed mouths.

The pathway foraged by the wise ones before us left sharp and defined tracks to guide us to freedom.
It was the impatient and eager hands of wealth, climbing hurriedly with domination in tow, shredding the earth in a race to the top, destroying each hard earned paw print and dismantling learned wisdom through frantic claws and shortcuts.

Past times prove femininity held a natural power through a deep connection to earth and her creatures. She was born a Goddess, from the beginning. Feeding children by her breast and bleeding red between her thighs, everything screams that SHE IS the literal giver of life, not only from the womb but through her finger tips. She shows tenderness through touch and unconditional love is her by nature.

Growth is inevitable for the woman in tune with her female wolf.
Her knowledge speaks through her walk. Those who are surrounded by her are challenged in their thinking and tested through their living. Through her looks she’s capable of hypnosis and heartbreaking..without a word. She has all the power but she’s been hiding.
It is through my study of women that I’ve come to believe that we experience the utmost freedom through bearing bare skin and offering honest love in the most naked and natural ways to atone for the harm committed against nature’s land through greed.

What could a vindictive Power do to silence her? How could man rid her of the sacredness that she harnesses inside of her from birth. The secret is: They can’t. What is harboring inside of each female is placed there by another woman’s suffering. Tapping into them, she becomes unstoppable.

Her wolf though, they will rob her of purpose by relying on young strength over wisdom. They’ll set limitations in the wild and create a sense of imprisonment. For the woman, Men would create a strict God in their own image by whom SHE shall worship and praise or be labeled as something unworthy. Sharing her wisdom, congregating with her sisters, dancing with one another shall be deemed witchery.
Tear apart her sacred body by holding her sexuality hostage as lust and prostitution make her unholy.
Silence her wisdom through religion.
Break her over centuries to believe a corporate society is flourishing to her womanhood, which in return would cause division between her sisters leaving many women stranded in the depths of submission as if it’s a privilege, all the while deeming the wild ones, the free women, sinners.

Women depend on women to release their aggression in a solemn spiritual sisterhood. Women thrive together and we’ve found no reason to compete with one another when our happiness lies in our village within mother nature.
We’ve been lied to, defeated, trampled over, and left muddy in the back.
Though, in the night we have been observing the freedom of the wolf in her roam, slipping notes under doorsteps, holding hands, and placing stones, rekindling the spirit and chanting healing hymns of passed ancestors over our shriveled hearts and damaged bones.
Waking the wild woman within and summoning her from the farthest, loneliest, quietest corners of the earth.
Through unity we are rising and we will find strength in numbers and now along with our male companions for they too have become aware of the beauty within the natural WILD woman.

Her words through the flames of a blazing fire rise to the highest peaks of mountains and melt the ground under dominating footsteps. Her knowledge sinks religion like a sailboat on the high seas and her beauty itself holds a heavenly enchantment impossible to recreate. Unbeknownst to her, the staunchest believers will question their methods, just as the strongest males in the pack begin to see who actually bears the ability to Get.Things.Done.

She is rising for her sisters and brothers today, in need of her natural healing.
They nuzzle into her chest for nurturing. They lie upon her back for safe keeping. She is wild with every ounce of her being and it draws them to her. Thirsty for her knowledge and yearning for her scent.
To know how she does it…How does she remain so sacred in such a sacrificial world?
It is because She knows her female wolf depends on her awakening and she’s out there growing meek and falling further towards the back..but the wolf feels her woman rising and coming towards her. The wolf senses her presence lingering outside of forest lining, building the courage to come and find her. She feels it. Her woman’s time.

***

Shedding Everything from the outside she walks beneath the branches,
Woman wearing bare skin.
The forest warms its moss under her toes as a welcoming re-acquaintance. She sees her wolf in all her glory, stammering towards her.

Their eyes lock.
Bodies stand poised in admiration. Neither kneel for anyone.
And she doesn’t back down.Ever.
We are the strongest of our pack, her and I.
A woman and a wolf.

But her wolf in woman’s absence has grown weak after being forgotten, neglected. In one heavy limp motion her wolf’s legs buckle and she collapses back into the mud. Woman’s instinct sends her jolting, diving onto her wolf, tugging her fur, pulling her up to her beating heart. Face to Face and Eye to Eye she screams a gut-wrenching howl in agony.. pleading to mother nature herself! She can’t carry the weight of this life without her Wild Wolf!! Crying out unto the trees..With bare feet planted in the earth, with fingers dug deep into the dirt, she inhales her wolf’s weak exhale and the wild CONSUMES her.

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She clings to sagging fur on a bony snout and in a last effort, with a cracked and ragged voice she grits her teeth and whispers, “rise up.
Slowly and gently her whimpering female wolf leans against her and they locks eyes in admiration, in love, in respect, within their wild… regaining her balance, strengthening her back, and perking up ears. Her wolf is waking and gasping in fury with all the air in her lungs. She HOWLS fiercely to the night!… In the mud, woman and her wolf break free from the grasps of patriarchy and firmly rise up from the ground stronger and louder than ever with a vengeance in view and thunder beneath their feet. In a muddy glory they are ready to reclaim what is theirs. The earth has been calling her females to rise and run free in the wild. Find our way back to our roots and grant ourselves freedom through the run. Her wolf has taken a sprinting head start with gnashing teeth and echoing screams ready to tear down the ones restricting her free run and limiting her open roam while guarding her wild woman diligently.

Connect with Earth’s consciousness through the souls of your feet. Let your hair down and bear your skin.
Your wolf is wild and she’s pacing on the path having uncovered the lost tracks from long ago, leading the way to freedom back to where your delicate, furious, sacred, powerful heart belongs.

Our eyes are locked
Bodies stand poised in admiration. Neither kneel for anyone.
And she doesn’t back down.Ever.
We are the strongest of our pack, her and I.
A woman and a wolf..

With her tail between her legs, she’s in there, leaning into her woman’s wild essence howling, awaiting guidance to journey the path alongside her. She’s waiting for her woman to RUN WILD.

 

 

I Cannot Go to Church Today – Singing Over My Bones

Reblog: Stacyeliz

Women are goddesses of the earth. Nothing can change that, not even someone’s religion. Women are so beautiful, so strong, so independent. I became so much more of all these things when I stepped away from religion. We are not meant to be submissive beings. Don’t believe it. Our minds and bodies are capable of so so so much more. Beautiful post from a beautiful, very intellectual mind. Thank you for sharing your knowledge Stacy.❤️❤️

Now get out there and dance like maniacs under the moonlight. Show em’ what natural beauty is. Live the way you were born to, in tune with Mother Earth and her journey through your wisdom. She needs us now more than ever.

Link takes you to comment section. Scroll up to top. ✨✨

https://singingovermybones.com/2019/05/21/i-cannot-go-to-church-today/

 

 

The Marching Band

Floating like fog in the night,
It lingers.
Banging its drum,
with its frail undead fingers.
On an empty chord song,
marching into our lives,
Grim Reapers gonna get ya,
with its sharp seething scythe.
A percussion so constant
We live fast to deny
You can run boy,
but from death you can’t hide.
Hovering around you,
it surely does exist.
That drummer is coming,
Angel of the Dark Abyss.
In the peak of twilight,
At the stroke of midnight,
To your dreams it will follow,
Draped in a black fright.
Gliding on the roads,
Pacing In our homes,
Dwelling and rotting
deep inside our bones..
Death is present and it takes when it wants.
Leaving nothing at all,
A somber response.
I feel its rhythm,
Telling me ,”Don’t be scared.”
This Angel taunts me daily
Mallets beat to a snare.
For it’s walking quickly with you,
And there’s no turning back
Knees pumping to its chest,
a base building to attack.
Black sockets glaring at you,
A close peripheral view,
Just waiting for the second,
You lock eyes with it too.
And in those last moments,
It takes your heart beat,
Throws it down on its drum,
Continues on with its fleet.
The drum line has begun,
Getting hard to withstand,
And it’s growing louder,
With each beat it claims man.
Let this be a warning,

to those refusing to understand,

your day is coming,

Ye who yield the Marching Band.

mye

deathr
This was my first art project ever my first year of college. And that was like 12 years ago…. My sculpture called, “Ye who yield the Marching Band.” Also I got much better. haha

Feature photo from Google and My Chemical Romance🙄 lol

A Saving Grace.

Written last night at bedtime.

Life gave me a sucker punch. I wasn’t prepared for it, and man it hurts. I walked outside this evening, a sunny windy evening.. beautiful, but so quiet. With an empty heart and a few footsteps I found myself staring into an empty yard…..

Any other day, around this hour our neighbors would be home. Their daughter would be in the backyard, running and yelling, hootin’ and hollerin’, 😝 reciting Star Wars, ringing her bike bell, yelling at her dogs. The lights in the upstairs windows would be on…. And my homesickness would dissipate..a feeling of comfort. Arkansas next door..

***

California.. A place engulfed with people but I remain isolated by choice.. looking in from the outside, my little jigsaw piece not quite fitting into this golden state puzzle while in the smack dab center of it all. I’m a recluse. I don’t open up to many people. In other words, it’s hard for me to make friends, not because I don’t like people but because I’m really not a social butterfly. It’s just me.

So there I was in 2017. I was lonely, breaking, and aching for home. I needed my people, a connection.
Within a few days we heard we were getting new neighbors-Husband and wife with a 6 year old daughter. This would be like neighbor number 6 for us…(high turnover rate out here). With in a few days that “new neighbor” would be knocking at my door and what she said well..you could call it serendipity..maybe California heard my cries. Her words exactly, “Hi, I’m Meghan. We just moved in next door and this is my daughter. I saw your Arkansas license plates and that’s where I’m from! Are you from Arkansas?” Guys, I nearly fainted. From then on we just clicked. I’d found my comfort. Anytime I was homesick I’d look out window to see her Arkansas plates and Razorback stickers. The girls played together like sisters despite the age difference and Meghan was my saving grace, my tiny piece of Arkansas in the hustle and bustle of southern California.

Well, yesterday we said goodbye to our sweet “Arkansas neighbors”. We waved as they drove away from our street, our little nook in the golden sun, to start a new chapter in different state.

How do I put this feeling into words….
a heavy loneliness…
Claustrophobic feeling.
My heart hurts.
But I need to deal with the weight of this sadness on my own. Alone and by myself. I found myself glancing at their house through my kitchen window expecting to see a light on with little girl waving in the window….but it’s dark..empty. I stepped outside and peeked into their backyard and I was flooded with an overwhelming amount of emotions while my mind rolled it’s own self produced silent video montage: Birthday parties, park dates, dress up dates, Santa Ana winds blowing through the hair of peeking heads over the fence, little girls voices yelling back and forth… laughing with tons of, “Let’s play Anya” and “Watch this Rezy”. Somehow in two and a half years we created a lifetime of warm memories, when I needed it most and I’ll carry them close to my heart. It seems the smallest things are what I’ll miss most- the daily waves while coming and going, conversations about the south.. just the comfort of home next door.
Ya know what..Change sucks. The kind of change that leaves you aching for familiarity.
Life sucker punched me yesterday and left me picking pieces of myself off the floor to rebuild again. I guess my jigsaw piece has chipped edges…it won’t fit anywhere until I can build it whole. Maybe I need to work more on myself so these sucker punches leave a little black eye instead of a knock out…..

No matter what happens in the future and no matter where we all end up, I’ll never forget my days shared with them in the California sunshine.

My daughter watching her friend pack up.

While You’re Warm

Hearts learning sparks
connected miles away.
Linked in time
Something fanned the flame.
Deepest secrets shared
without the blame.
In the night we
felt alive with nothing to gain.

With you I know myself,
I’ve found my way.
A loyalty to trust,
death couldn’t separate.
I’ll find the scent of you even through the rain.
And when your body moves I’ll keep a hold tight.

Once broken hearts,
welded together,
Never the same.
The weight of time can’t touch the desire we’ve caged.
And we’ll dig our grave together,
In this life we reign.
King and Queen,
Our own frontier… two entertain.

Most……… blow through the embers,
We ignite the blaze
Breaking grounds we live against the grain.
Breathing half a breath,
When you’re gone away.
And when I feel your touch, I’ll keep a hold tight.

You took my hand, linked footsteps and we turned away.
Stirring madly in your sanctuary I’ll securely stay.
Our faith put in each other, our passion never tamed.
And while your blood runs warm I’ll keep the home fires.

With you I know myself,
I’ve found my way.
A loyalty to trust,
death couldn’t separate.
And I’d cling to every breath
while you’re away.
With your eyes locked to mine, my heartbeat is yours to claim.

And while your blood is warm i’ll keep you held tight……

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My rendition painting.

Inspire by LP. I’ve been MIA this week😭😭😭 I have a lot of catching up to do, missing out on so many of my favorite bloggers posting!! I’m sorry friends. I’m such an

✨Irresponsible Blogger!!!✨

I hope everyone is having a wonderful week!!