I opened the double doors to the outside..

The sun is bright

First time I saw myself in that kind of light…

Backs away further

Can’t bear the weight of that steeple.. 

Fooled the whole time

Thinking I was draped in white

Footsteps backwards away from the people…

No. She’s dark inside..and built by their lies.

No. She’s dark inside…and built out of spite.

I’ll walk away bravely, away from heavy doors.

But my sister is still in there pacing the floors..

I can’t leave her..in there… her beautiful mind…standing in between pews..taking in lies….

She told me, “Stephy just pray…don’t give up yet..Please…..Don’t leave me here.”

I told her,

 “Sister….

………….I’ll be right there..but you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air.”

“and…………… If you need anyone..

I’ll stop my plans…… but you’ll have to tie me down and then break both my hands.” 

She said, “If you need anyone.” 

I said, “I’m here. I’m forever.”

She stood in the doors, I stood out of them…But we never took our eyes off each other. Because we love each other and that’s bigger than religion.

But…

The void became too dark

The bed became too large

The shoes became too big

Walking towards the light, 

was shrouded in the dig.

It was a slow burn that lit a fire

A need to understand

A need for desire..

Hours, days, years, decades, bowing on to her knees, praying to that Almighty Power,  “Talk to me please..”

A lifetime of begging for anything to show..to show..her..you..were..there….pleading, ” God, Help me grow.”

Nothing……silence….

I have to acknowledge that I picked myself up off the ground. Every single time.

I did that…

No one else.

I found the answers. I found the water.

With only myself..

You did the same thing..Stacy.

Alone. And on our own…

 

I remember when she called me..

when you called me..sister. 

The staunchest believer. 

With an unwavering faith.

She called me.. I answered.. 

I heard it in her voice within seconds, the pain.

Tears..Sobbing. Resentment. Anger. Disappointment…Reality…. The loss of…..a god.

The loss of a faith…. A familiar sound..

She screamed, “SISTER!!! NO!! HOW CAN THIS BE?? HE ISN’T REAL!

…………….HE…….DOESN’T EXIST..STEPH.”  

All I could say is “It was you, it was us.”

“It has been us all along…

All along.”

 “Now go walk into the sun and see yourself..”

“ And If you need anyone..”

I cried with her then, the same tears I cried for myself years before…

On opposite sides of the country we ventured into the Same. Black. void.

 

That, I refer to as, destruction for two sisters.

But deconstructing..well that’s enlightenment. and we did that together too.

 

The church still reaches out to her..Me not so much.

 They know the middle daughter is nothing to mess around with…

 But my big sister has a gentle heart. 

They reach out to her, they ask her where she is…They ask her to come back and conform to be re-accepted…She tells them, 

“Friends….Church…. Listen…..I’ll be right there..but you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air.”

“And, If you need anyone..I’ll stop my plans but you’ll have to tie me down and then break both my hands.” 

“But if you need anyone.”

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I love you big sister. and Thanks Tyler Joseph for creating the song “Jumpsuit “…my inspiration.✨ Here’s to us. Cheers to us. Us all along

 

 

15 Replies to “Us All Along.”

  1. Oh, man. For some reason, this hit me in the gut. The toil and tears it took to unbecome. Even harder is losing the community. But long ago I learned that if my sister was there, I’d be okay there too. Here we are. Love every bit of you.
    “Rise for you, rise for me, when you rise first, you rise for She.”
    -Rebecca Campbell

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on Singing Over My Bones and commented:
    My Sister, Steph, over at The Irresponsible Blogger, wrote a bomb-ass piece that tells our story. Inspired by 21 Pilots lyrics in Jumpsuit, I feel grateful to all who’ve been brave enough to heal the wounds religion beats into our being… listen to the song while you read and if you need anyone…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. She is! She is gloriously brave and I’ve had the pleasure of loving her since forever! And, so true—- its a bit like The Truman Show—- so much life you’re not allowed to know inside religion’s walls…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s a very good analogy about religion and you can’t question or anything – just accept. It’s corruption really, dressed up as a niceity.

        You’ve had a great please to know here for so long 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Well how about that!! Loved it! Really people seem to need the churches, right up until don’t—and they are ready for real.
    I remember looking back down at the house and thinking wow! Nothing has changed. I’ve been going it alone my whole life anyway, so what’s the worry. Ive got this—It’s people that make it happen. Nothing more. So glad to be a part of your community.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Jim😭😭😭 nail on the head! Everything can and does remain exactly as is… There’s nothing taken away once Religion is removed.. Everything will always have the same value, sacred. A part of a world..once existed… for a split second. So thankful for you and your perspective…I have got to jump over to your blog! It feeds my rebel Bible belt heart!!!😆 Grateful you put up my jumping in and out so much.🙄🙄 Irresponsib…….do I even need to say it??😜😜😜

      Liked by 1 person

    1. From the bottom of my heart thank you❤️Very lucky to have my sister and her support. Mentally, we have seen some rough times together but we’re resilient you could say.😝🖤 Thank you so much for reading.🖤

      Like

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