I opened the double doors to the outside..
The sun is bright
First time I saw myself in that kind of light…
Backs away further
Can’t bear the weight of that steeple..
Fooled the whole time
Thinking I was draped in white
Footsteps backwards away from the people…
No. She’s dark inside..and built by their lies.
No. She’s dark inside…and built out of spite.
I’ll walk away bravely, away from heavy doors.
But my sister is still in there pacing the floors..
I can’t leave her..in there… her beautiful mind…standing in between pews..taking in lies….
She told me, “Stephy just pray…don’t give up yet..Please…..Don’t leave me here.”
I told her,
………….I’ll be right there..but you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air.”
“and…………… If you need anyone..
I’ll stop my plans…… but you’ll have to tie me down and then break both my hands.”
She said, “If you need anyone.”
I said, “I’m here. I’m forever.”
She stood in the doors, I stood out of them…But we never took our eyes off each other. Because we love each other and that’s bigger than religion.
The void became too dark
The bed became too large
The shoes became too big
Walking towards the light,
was shrouded in the dig.
It was a slow burn that lit a fire
A need to understand
A need for desire..
Hours, days, years, decades, bowing on to her knees, praying to that Almighty Power, “Talk to me please..”
A lifetime of begging for anything to show..to show..her..you..were..there….pleading, ” God, Help me grow.”
I have to acknowledge that I picked myself up off the ground. Every single time.
I did that…
No one else.
I found the answers. I found the water.
With only myself..
You did the same thing..Stacy.
Alone. And on our own…
I remember when she called me..
when you called me..sister.
The staunchest believer.
With an unwavering faith.
She called me.. I answered..
I heard it in her voice within seconds, the pain.
Tears..Sobbing. Resentment. Anger. Disappointment…Reality…. The loss of…..a god.
The loss of a faith…. A familiar sound..
She screamed, “SISTER!!! NO!! HOW CAN THIS BE?? HE ISN’T REAL!
All I could say is “It was you, it was us.”
“It has been us all along…
“Now go walk into the sun and see yourself..”
“ And If you need anyone..”
I cried with her then, the same tears I cried for myself years before…
On opposite sides of the country we ventured into the Same. Black. void.
That, I refer to as, destruction for two sisters.
But deconstructing..well that’s enlightenment. and we did that together too.
The church still reaches out to her..Me not so much.
They know the middle daughter is nothing to mess around with…
But my big sister has a gentle heart.
They reach out to her, they ask her where she is…They ask her to come back and conform to be re-accepted…She tells them,
“Friends….Church…. Listen…..I’ll be right there..but you’ll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air.”
“And, If you need anyone..I’ll stop my plans but you’ll have to tie me down and then break both my hands.”
“But if you need anyone.”
I love you big sister. and Thanks Tyler Joseph for creating the song “Jumpsuit “…my inspiration.✨ Here’s to us. Cheers to us. Us all along